Posted by: docdenbow | April 9, 2014

Well?


Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly coloured, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?”
And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say,
“Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people.
“Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.”
It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” – Bill Hicks 

And that is what it’s all about.
“It’s just a ride.”
We, the common men have no fanfares; we’re simply crushed beneath the jack boot of pressure. Pressure imposed all around us, imposed by those we love, hate and are indifferent towards.
“What will they think?”
“I shouldn’t do that.”
“I’ll upset a lot of people.
“It’s selfish.”
Remember, remember, remember “it’s just a ride” that’s all it is. We shouldn’t have to subjugate ourselves and do want we don’t want to do. There are things I want to do, I need to do but can’t do them. I’m trapped in a dream of commitments, conventionality and I’m waiting for the bells of the alarm clock to ring. I really should remember that “it’s just a ride.”

So what is life? A smorgasbord of opportunities, some taken and some missed? The eternal and infinite ifs that can torture your soul or gladden your heart. Life is a series of what ifs, considered (or not considered) decisions that affect both you and those around you. If you are truly in control of your destiny no decision should be taken without forethought and no word spoken without taking your own counsel. The major problem is maintaining spontaneity and remaining that most precious thing, human.

So are you wondering why I’m writing this pseudo hippy claptrap? I don’t know really. I think it’s largely because with every passing summer I feel the claws of old age and infirmity beckoning me and I realize that in many respects that my life has been unremarkable. Although I have no wish to turn my back on those I love, I do wish that from time I could be free from constraints and do exactly as I wish. I’ll give you an example shall I? Well, maybe I shouldn’t because people I know may happen on this and then they’d take the piss.

See, this is my blog. I am the sole arbiter of content and have to censor myself in fear of ridicule. I don’t mind if James, Becky and Sarah were to see this “example” because they’re not in a position to ridicule and mad as it may seem they wouldn’t, they’ll read and either think “he has a point” or “he’s lost the plot.” I can live with that. But in the cold light of day that I have to smile sweetly (or not) and learn once more to keep my opinions to myself as it seems that my thoughts are not appreciated and are seen as an intrusion and I will be teased and insulted by expressing just what it is that I want to do.

It seems that I am seen as fair game – “Oh Denbow, he’s an easy target let’s just shoot him down.”

Am I just mourning? Mourning for the person I once was? The person who has morphed into idealized perfection within my mind. Stunningly good looking, a beautiful personality who had a trail of girls throwing themselves at his feet? If I am mourning then I’m mourning someone who didn’t exist. I wasn’t a bad looking lad, I had at best an uneven temperament but I was fiercely loyal to my friends and loving to my girls. There was never a trail of girls. Just two who mattered to me. I got together with my first girlfriend almost by accident and it took months for me to buck up courage to ask the second one out. The first one broke my heart and I returned the compliment in kind by cruelly breaking the second girl’s heart.

I kid myself that I had loads of friends, that’s not true; I realize that now. I feel I’ve always been socially awkward and although I’m very comfortable in my own skin I am aware that I’m not particularly likeable and lack a lot of confidence that I hide behind a wall of sullenness. I’m scared to join in fear of ridicule and feel so inhibited socially that I have arrived at the conclusion that it is too late to join in. I live in my head, a head swimming with dreams and laughter and fun where no one can tease, no one can ignore, no one can belittle.

Then there’s the epilepsy. The bloody epilepsy. When I think of it too hard I really want to cry. I live my life in fear of fits, fits that have punctuated my life and scrambled my brains. This fear has stopped me doing things that I could have done. It’s been my excuse and my crutch, my blessing and my curse. I truly believe that living with these fits, waiting for one to come along as they always do, has made me into who I am. However, I should never be in fear of my epileptic fits. They’re who I am. They’re as much a part of me as are my fingers and toes and they are really just a small part of that which makes up the whole. Nevertheless, I can virtually hyper ventilate if I feel a “bit poorly” waiting for the Grand Mal to smash my head and rip my tongue and leave me bloody and bruised and battered. I haven’t had a fit since Sunday 11th July 2011, but in a way that makes it worse as it makes me feel that next one is getting closer and closer. Of course it may never come, my meds may have “cured” me for good this time, but the fear remains.

Well, that’s got that little lot out of my system.

So long………

Denbow

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Responses

  1. Poignant and well written. I enjoyed reading it.
    Karina


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