Posted by: docdenbow | March 25, 2014

It’s Not Much To Ask, Is It?

Dear Blog,

 I have something important to say. Very important. See that bush over there? THAT ONE! Well, I’m not going to beat my way around it. Not at all. I’m going to get straight to the point without any mincing of my words. I will come right out and write clearly, unequivocally and another word that fits in well*. Can’t think what it is though, the word I mean, but it won’t slow me down in actually getting to the point and making a few statements and assertions via the medium of this insignificant speck of dust in the universe of the World Wide Internet.

 Right! I’m going to get right down to brass tacks, the nitty gritty, the heart of the matter and the bottom line. More than that I’m going to elucidate, educate but certainly not prevaricate. Having spent most of my free time in the past 7 days eating blackcurrant boiled sweets and sorting my thoughts I feel at last, at long last, ready, willing and able to share them with you. My thoughts that is – if you think I’m going to give you any of my boiled sweets let me just say bugger off and get your own.

*{is it concisely?}

Enough of confectionary and all of this dilly-dallying and dawdling, it’s time to put my best foot forward and begin. I am unsure as to which one is my best foot though. Is it fair to make one of your feet feel inferior to its counterpart? Is one truly better that the other? That is a question that opens a whole can of worms, nest of vipers and fiddles with Pandora’s Box.

This is the important thing I want to say.

I have dreams, hopes aspirations and desires. Many I will keep to myself because if I put them into words I’ll be viewed as a very sad case indeed. However, there are dreams that I am fully prepared to share with you Dear Readers, if I may be so familiar to call you that. All I ask in return is that you do not laugh in my face. I would welcome any comments that you may wish to make via the medium of the comments section of this little confessional post and feel free to take the mickey there.

The dream, perchance to dream the dream of single minded ambition. The dream of a little soupcon of fame, perhaps leading to lecture tours where I would be able to share my intellectual prowess and also to share my bed with several nubile nymphomaniacs. (simultaneously preferably)This is what I want. It really is quite a simple ambition from an intrinsically simple man and it goes something like this……….

There is some kind of news event and the various news sources from TV, to the press and all points inbetween have no one “in house” who can report the story properly. It is here where things would come to fruition as far as my dream is concerned. My telephone would ring with call upon call from the BBC, Sky News, CNN, The Times, The Guardian, Private Eye and even the Daily Fail. Each and every caller would be inviting me onto the TV or radio or to give interviews or write articles. Large amounts of cash would be offered, and may I add accepted, for me to to grant my services.

My services as an expert.

It matters not as to the subject matter as long as when I appear on Newsnight or Sky News I am described as “an expert” preferably with 20 years experience in whatever and a position in a dubious university where I have the chair in the subject upon which I am pontificating. It would be even better even if I had written the definitive book on the subject.

English: Re-creation of current logo of Sky Ne...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If this is not to be I would accept some fawning interviewer on some po faced arts programme interviewing me about my critically acclaimed blockbuster of a first novel.

Interviewer: “Your novel is an outstanding piece of work. Critics have compared it to the greats of the written word. The acclaim has been universal and the sales astronomical. It is not just the finest book not just of its generation, but of all time. What motivated you to write such a literary masterpiece?

Me: “Well, there were several factors. I felt that I have something to share in terms of a tale relevant to the 21st century and I suppose all those centuries before and those to come. A tale for all seasons if you like. I also wished also to show that a limited formal education should not limit someone. But the 2 major factors were that The Apprentice wasn’t on the telly and I was skint and thought knocking out a novel may make me a few quid. Oh yes, and there were no new episodes of Finding Bigfoot……”

Interviewer: {Bemused headshaking silence}

It’s not much to ask, is it?

Ciao For Now,


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  1. Keep dreaming those dreams, I’m the same. I want it all with minimal effort too. One day I too will be so rich that I can indulge myself all day writing and smoking and writing some more and then I’ll spend my nights watching TV and drinking fine wines. One day, one day soon… I doubt it but the dreams and feeling that one day it’ll happen keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, regards, Jay.

    • We should get our own chat show where we rip mercilessly into poseurs and prats alike.

      That would be cool.

      • Cool and money for old rope. It would be all too easy mate.

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