Posted by: docdenbow | January 7, 2014

I Need To Finish It To Find Out


After my last two writings on my blog discussing my recently rekindled and re-ignighted love for most things jazz – the first one of 2014 being piss-takingly dreadful may I add – I feel that I must revert back to being “me” and writing accordingly. There’s only so much bile and cynicism that I can muster and writing as a pretentious pseudo intellectual just doesn’t ring true and isn’t exactly entertaining – to me at least. DenbowPolonius in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet gets a great line “To thine own self be true” and I have resolved, not in a New Year’s sense God forbid (a figure of speech) to live by that. Being true to myself will help me understand myself and to paraphrase Mark Antony “bury Denbow and not praise him.”

I have been reading the second part of Stephen Fry’s autobiographical writing “The Fry Chronicles” and it has made me think and think hard. I really have no idea that even in the back of his mind that this was Stephen’s intention. I’ve also found it educational, not in the usual sense that we think of education, more the the way we say in a shocked voice “well that was an education!” fryPerhaps above all else I’ve found “The Fry Chronicles” to be entertaining. More than that the writing style echoes the way that he speaks and gives me the feeling that he is talking directly to me. Of course there are parts of it that I find irritating where he drops into luvvie mode and tells us how much he “adores” someone when “really like,” “really rate” or similar would be less grating on this Denbow. Sets my teeth on edge it does. For all of this, inbetween some of the some of the name dropping and luvvieness there are a few concepts that I for one can take on board.

I’m not going to get tedious by chuntering on about the merits or demerits of  “The Fry Chronicles” as I am no literary critic. Neither am I going to get detailed about my thoughts and some of the conclusions that I’ve drawn from getting more than halfway through this book. “To thine own self be true” said Polonius and to myself I aim to be true. I’ve also read that any writer should initially write about themselves and what they know, and whilst it is true that on this I’ve largely done this on this blog, reading back a fair few of the posts I don’t feel that some of the things are very well written. (Stephen Fry I’m not) More to the point, unless I hide behind the facade of a middle aged buffoon I don’t think that I come across as a very nice sort of chap, certainly not someone you would wish to spend any time with. Now I’m not saying that out of misery, depression or any kind of self immolation here, I’m talking about what I write here and what I write here alone.fake-apple-computer Through my writing I’ve tried to be someone else. A “look at me” TV critic. A knowledgeable football pundit. An expert on music, the genius who worked out who shot at JFK, a computer geek and so on.That’s fakery, smoke and mirriros, bluff. I know a bit about all of those things, but I am merely a self appointed expert and self anointed oracle. I do have epilepsy, so those articles are truly real in every sense, the rest I do think are pompous and fake.

This fakery of my writing permeates consistently as if my opinion is the only one that matters must and will come to an end. It may just be a modification but my overall style really must and will change. There is a real pedantry in what it is that I have written that is unattractive, ugly and self serving. Moreover, it means that I write without thought, without balance basing anything in my blog posts on my narrow views and prejudices. Immature perhaps?

Where does that leave this blog? Over the last three years I have written things as they have occurred to me with little in the way of honesty or feeling. merely gut reactions. As someone who has been on this planet since the 1950s I really should be above that and well past checking on a daily basis how many “hits” I’ve had. That’s of no importance in the grand scheme of things, just as individuals very few of us humans really are I suppose. I’ve spent far too many hours in the last three years of this blog trying to be something that I’m not. As much as I’d like to be paid for my writing, unless I get off my bum then that is not going to happen. I’m not a columnist, media spokesman, byeline writer or even commentator. I’m none of those things. Because I’m none of those things I’m not even a blogger in the sense that the word has morphed into. The closest label that you can hang around my neck is a “Diarist.” However, my “Diary” has been a diatribe of vitriol against people who will not and do not care enough to read or value my opinion.

“Ah, but.” you say, “These people are in the public eye. They deserve to be ridiculed.” Well that’s as maybe, but there is a huge difference between ridiculing a celebrity when you’re in a pub holding a pint of Black Label and giving over a couple of hours of your life typing it on electronic paper. It’s just not worth the time and effort doing that hoping that your unfunny jokes will get you twenty five readers on the site.That sort of thing may line the pockets of @kthopkins and @charltonbrooker and co. but it doesn’t line mine. For example, I could watch Celebrity Big Brother and comment unkindly about the relative fame and characters of the contestants. Why? I’m not a nasty person. I wouldn’t deliberately say anything hurtful to anyone, so why do I think as “keyboard warrior” that I am entitled to? My time is precious and should be productive, doing things that need to be done and doing things that I want to do.

Having decided that in terms of this little blog site that I’m to write with more honesty and balance and hopefully humility what else is there? Having published about three hundred posts in one hundred and fifty weeks I will have to consider that maybe I’m publishing far, far too much. I’ll also have to accept that I’m not really qualified to comment about or pass judgement on Wolverhampton Wanderers, for example. I haven’t been inside Molineux for probably forty years and haven’t lived in there in thirty four. All of my opinions are secondhand, ideas stolen from Forums, the Express And Star, Twitter and so on. The joyous days when six hundred people a day were reading posts I published about Wolves won’t return as I cannot in all honesty express any thoughts about Wolves apart from dislocated disappointment as any of those thoughts will have been given to me part formed.

For the rest of 2014 I’ll post as I have done before, perhaps less frequently. I’ll endeavour not to repeat myself, which is a habit that I have fallen into, and I’ll do my utmost to be more consistent and kinder. I’ll (as I’ve said many, many times before) actually work hard to finish my writing project. I have great hopes for that or am I delusional????

I need to finish it to find out…………….

Denbow

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