Posted by: docdenbow | March 2, 2013

Someone From Neath Visits Wolverhampton

A friend of mine went to visit the capital of the Black Country (that’s Wolverhampton) recently to see a beat combo that bears the epithet “Train” at the wonderful Civic Hall. (now that’s a place that holds some fond memories for me) Anyway for a couple of months he has been questioning me as to what Wolverhampton is like, asking for suggestions regarding hotels, boozers, you know the sort of thing. He was to travel with his wife and brother in law (not sure if this geezer has a wife/girlfriend/partner) and all in all he was looking forward to the trip.

Oh, by the way did I mention that these travellers are from Neath in South Wales? No? Well I just did. He asked me what Wolverhampton is like compared to Swansea. Perhaps I went a little over the top telling him about the bad sides of my old hometown because the poor sod travelled up the motorway believing Wolverhampton to be not unlike 1920s Chicago or modern day Beirut.

When they arrived he found the hotel to be fine even if the food was a little expensive and everything seemed fine. They had an apparently agreeable pint or two watching rugby in some pub or another and had some food. At that point the weekend was going swimmingly with my information regarding the criminal underbelly and violence on the streets of the jewel of the West Midlands seemingly both inaccurate and irrelevant.

Things did, however take a bit of a downturn as day faded into evening into night. Alcohol was consumed and Rob, my mate, on the discovery of two-pint glasses, sent me a text asking why I had ever left the fair city. He was absolutely loving the weekend. His brother in law was also consuming alcohol and was on his way to becoming a liability and, if I may say so, a pain in the bum.

The things he did in less than 24 hours in that fair city beggar belief and are certainly not the actions of a civilized or indeed intelligent human being. The “crimes and misdemeanours” of the brother in law are not related in strict chronological order but that doesn’t really matter.

  • The leader vocalist of Train tried to sing a song without any amplification to give the audience some idea as to how the song sounded when it was first written. The brother in law chanted “donkey sausages” throughout.
  • In the Civic Hall bar area he spent a great deal of time throwing straws from a crammed two-pint glass at all and sundry.
  • Whilst waiting for food in Subway proceeded to do a very bad impersonation of the Black Country loudly and badly continually repeating the word “alright.”
  • Telling young Asian lads in Subway to “pull their trousers up.” Done apparently in between saying “alright” Ad Nauseum.
  • In the back of the cab back to the hotel racially abusing a Sikh taxi driver by once more doing a poor impression this time an Indian accent whilst chanting “ningnang.”
  • At breakfast in the hotel the following morning stole food from other guests plates once they had vacated their tables. This despite an “all you can eat breakfast” policy.
  • Finally this idiot decided to gatecrash a Christian Evangelists meeting in the hotel and tried to disrupt it by bellowing out the wrong words as loud as he could to the hymns.
  • Left the Evangelists to their meeting but not before he stole a tray of biscuits.

Now when I lived in Wolverhampton all those years ago any single one of those events would probably have led to the “extinguishing of his illuminations,” or someone offering to “Banjo the sheep shagger,” but no, this moron survived to re cross the Severn Bridge to the Land Of His Fathers.

I can only conclude that either Wolverhampton has become a far more tolerant place than I remember or that the locals believed him to be mentally impaired.

I suspect the latter……

Ciao For Now

Your Ex-Pat Friend




  1. He’s a lucky fella that he didn’t get at least a punch in the trap, let alone kicked to death round the back of the Royal London. What a cock!

    • I wouldn’t mind so much but he isn’t a kid, he’s apparently in his 30s and his wife was with him

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