Posted by: docdenbow | February 2, 2013

Working Late & Crap On TV

You know sometimes I get ticked off about the hours I work in my job. I don’t finish work until 9:00 pm and it does get me down sometimes. It can mean that I go home and my wife has crawled off to bed as her job involves a 7:00 am start. so it’s true to say there are disadvantages to both of our jobs considering we are married to each other.

There is one major mega advantage. A lot of the sh*t on the TV is over, done and dusted by the time my weary bones make their shattered way into Chez Denbow. Early in the evening there is an inordinate amount of dog crap on the TV. Many TV programmes that would insult the intellect of even the feeblest of minds. There are wall to wall soaps like Eastenders, Coronation Street and of course Emmerdale. I have been most fortunate to have avoided seeing these mini dramas for many years and from what information I can gather I am missing what is commonly known as f**k all. The same plots seem to be recycled, with babies born in and out of wedlock to a wide variety of mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.

The characters are only permitted to have sexual relations with only those from the Square, the Street or the Village which makes the whole thing feel like a giant wife swapping orgy. What those shows really need is taking off air. I mean when Jeremy Kyle had the Platt family from Coronation Street on his show to “celebrate” the 1000th edition of his show it made me realize just how normal the toothless and tattooed ne’er do wells who usually appear really are. The UK is entertained by extremes in bad behaviour and the programme makers are very often trying to shock for the sake of it.

As well as the Soaps and other such utter crap as Casualty – which has now become so predictable that I have written 17 scripts all identical involving chip pans, bicycles, barbed wire and sharp knives and only had 4 of them rejected. The rejected ones were only rejected because I accidentally referred to Charlie Fairhead as Charlie Fairisle in 3 of them and in the fourth he had an argument with a Cockney geezer who told him that he’d flushed his career down the lav after having a lead role alongside Bob Hoskins and Helen Mirren in The Long Good Friday. The rejection letter said it was a bit “off topic.”

Television now has become so desperately bad that even Top Gear which is the same old crap week in week out is rapidly becoming a real highlight of the week if only because none of the presenters have had affairs with each other. We know week in week out and week in again that there will be some crass humour aimed at James “Captain Slow” May and Richard “The Hamster” Hammond by the balding Berkshire Hunt that is Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson AKA “Jezza.” God if that’s the best on offer then we’re in deep sh*t.

Then ITV plunged to new depths with “Splash.” Quite what the purpose and point of this programme is really beats the sh*t out of me. Ok I will admit that I haven’t seen it but I can imagine the pitch…

“Ok, we’ll get that Tom Daley – you know him? The diver who looks like he’s the best looking member of Wand Erection constantly walking around in his budgie smugglers trying to teach people we’ve never heard of to dive into a swimming pool. Yeah, I’ve spoken to Jo Brand’s people and she is up for being a judge…..We can get pointless dancers and a middle aged hydrophobic comedy actress whose name nobody can quite remember….oh yeah and lots of strobes and flashing lights so we can get maximum publicity by causing folks to convulse with photosensitive epileptic fits”

You get the idea? Well I get the idea (lots of cash for ITV, the production company and Tom’s budgies) but I just don’t get the point. Downton Abbey it is not. Apparently (well according to my hero Charlie Brooker) this piece of smelly TV poo is nothing more than a UK version of a Dutch TV show. Well considering a lot of dope is smoked in Amsterdam I wonder if Splash is aimed at the perpetually stoned? We have a right to know because I think the only way to enjoy something like Splash is bong your way to partial oblivion. Perhaps the Government will legalize cannabis to enhance the public’s enjoyment of this type of fecal matter that masquerades as TV entertainment.

It strikes me that our television entertainment is being forced upon us to try to stop the population  from doing the one thing that Governments fear the most.


Well, that’s not right the Governments are not trying to stop us from thinking for ourselves. It’s the population that is stopping itself  from thinking.


So we accept the sh*t that is being shovelled in our direction with gratitude as it reinforces prejudices and stereotypes and it’s all wrapped up as drama or entertainment. In my opinion much of what is on television is neither.


Okay, I’ve come full circle. It’s now 11:06 pm. I got home from work about 90 minutes ago, and have spent the last hour writing this as there is f**k all that I want to watch on the TV. So I’ll make a cup of tea, find my chocolate bar and to quote Ginger Wildheart,

“I light a smoke, and in’tween tokes, consult the TV guide
The bible for the pig who stays inside”

The bastards won’t beat me, I’ll find something to watch………………

Ciao For Now




  1. Nice post mate. It makes me want to have a rant about TV too. Maybe I will later, gotta try and have a good Sunday first though. Sunday Bloody Sunday!

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