Posted by: docdenbow | August 15, 2012

Some Of My Best Friends Are Squatches


I am a very faddish sort when it comes to books, music and television. I become very enthusiastic about a writer, a band or a TV series – sometimes to the point of burning out the enjoyment and then move on to another author, another band and a different TV series. I used to avidly watch that comedy detective series CSI Miami but eventually grew tired of the exploits of Horatio Caine, I read book after book by Robert Rankin but found his tales of Brentford to less and less entertaining – and I moved on from Scott Walker to assorted blues based rock bands like the Black Crowes and the Cry Of Love.

I am consistent in my love of television. That glowing panel of joy in the corner of my living room gives me a great deal of pleasure. That being said my taste in TV programming is eccentric and esoteric. Not for me soap style dramas like Downton Abbey. Not for me grimly awful “youth comedy” that clutter up BBC3’s schedules. I’m not even a fan of Midsomer Murders, even TV detective stories now leave me cold. So why do I love television so? It’s simple really. Lurking in the schedules there are some gems, but you need to go and seek them out. Have a look through The Radio Times or any TV guide you’ll probably find something, but it’s not as easy as it used to be given that we now all have access to about a grillion stations. Me, I love rubbish television Pawn Stars, Storage Wars that kind of thing. If it feature unintelligent Americans then I’m there dude.

I have a new favourite TV programme now. It is a documentary series on The Discovery Channel. It is one of the finest pieces of television broadcasting I have seen in all of my life. It is informative, it is grounded in reality and it features 4 complete and utter idiots.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you “Finding Bigfoot.”

The general premise of this “televisual feast” is that Bigfoot ,AKA Sasquatch or as these dorks insist on calling it a “Squatch,” really exists and they are on a nationwide expedition to prove it with incontrovertible evidence. So far so good. There are several sighting of the legendary Squatch over the length and breadth of the United States so 4 idiots armed with the latest in high tech gear would have no trouble coming up up with some concrete evidence. Right? Well you’d think so wouldn’t you? The trouble is that these dorks are idiots (dumb, dumber, even more dumb and dumbest springs to my mind) and haven’t the foggiest idea as to how to gather the evidence. They are also extremely closed minded taking any “sighting” as “Gospel” and further proof of their faith in the existence of the Squatch.

This motley crew all have names and despite the fact they are idiots all have unique personalities.

Wiki describes them thus –

“Matt Moneymaker
Moneymaker is the founder and president of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization.

Cliff Barackman
Level-headed and analytical, Barackman has a keen interest in physical evidence.

Ranae Holland
More skeptical though Holland has had a lifelong interest in Bigfoot.

James “Bobo” Fay
Fay has been searching for Bigfoot since the early 1980s and has many theories. He often poses as Bigfoot on re-creations of photos, due to his height.”

Now, some people out there see this programme as entertaining hokum whilst others, by definition, must see it as a serious scientific study. It’s sad to say that it is given gravitas that the show in its’ current format does not deserve by being made by and shown on The Discovery Channel. Its’ stars have been allegedly complaining that it is the edit that makes them look stupid but I think that they do an excellent job themselves without some help from a film editor. In the last episode that I watched the team headed up to some remote spot where friends of a distant relative of Bobo lived. The man was toothless and looked a bit like a cross between Jim out of Taxi (remember him?) and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top fame, and the woman sat on the porch playing with her fiddle (that is not a euphemism – perish the thought). The BFRO guys were told of rocks thrown at their cabin at night and other strange happenings in the field near where they lived. It was at this point that they broke open the Moonshine to share with the BFRO. Now this stuff can hit 95% proof and by the looks on the faces of Matt, Cliff and Bobo when they tried it I’d opine that this was pretty powerful stuff.

Question. If you got rat arsed on illicit whiskey and saw a Squatch would anyone believe you? Well the BFRO believed these 2 hillbillies and concluded that this was Squatch country. Yeah well right. Those 2 are not what I would call reliable witnesses, but the BFRO vacuumed up the hillbilly yarns and headed for “them thar hills” to go Squatching.

So my friends what does Squatching involve? Well, out of the very mouths of the BFRO these 8 to 10 feet tall creatures tend to keep away from humans and are usually sighted during the hours of daylight. So what do they do? In an attempt to remain inconspicuous to the shy and timid Squatch they go roaring into heavily wooded areas on quad bikes spewing forth petrol fumes a-plenty. Then they wait for night to fall and head out into the woods armed with heat seeking cameras, a baseball bat or 2 to bash tree trunks with and the ability to screech like a dire heavy metal crooner – more of the screeching later. Surprisingly our friendly local neighbourhood Squatch just buggers off in the opposite direction.

Now proper woodsmen who hunt do their level best to blend in with the local scenery. Take note of wind directions, disguise and eliminate any trace of human like odours by liberally covering themselves with deer pooh or similar and wait in silence. Under no circumstances would they put a little bunny rabbit in a cage and hang it from a tree, take a baby doll and a ghetto blaster so the woods can be filled with the never ending cries of an infant. I am pretty sure that they would not bung doughnuts all over a fallen tree trunk on the grounds that “ Squatches like doughnuts.” Yup, the BFRO think these methods are valid in the capturing of evidence of the existence of a Squatch or 2.

Bobo is my favourite. Apparently he was a roadie for a band called Sublime. My thoughts are that a rock and roll lifestyle left its’ mark on ol’ Bobo. He seems to see and hear Squatches everywhere. His eyes light up in the thermal night cameras whilst he utters such things as “That’s a Squatch.” to any noise or disturbance, however slight, he hears. In that sense he’s like a zonked out Vietnam combat veteran constantly hearing the Vietcong sneaking up on him.

Oh yes, Bobo and Cliff are supposedly “expert field callers.” Hmmmmmm.

One YouTube user asked a great question

“Expert field caller? Exactly how does one become an Expert Sasquatch field caller? What qualifies you as an expert? The singular ability to call Bigfoot, and never, ever have one show up? I’m an expert flying saucer pilot too.”

There is little more that I can say about this without spoiling it for you when you do eventually buck up the courage to watch, just remember that it’s dire and unintentionally hilarious.

See you on the sofa…..

Ciao For Now

Denbow

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Responses

  1. I like a bit of trash TV. Sexetera late at night is always good for a laugh, and a bit of soft core banging and swinging tits! I’m easily pleased.


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