Posted by: docdenbow | June 3, 2012

Doc Denbow’s Charter For The Service Industries


Any of you out there work in the so called ”service industries” or retailng? Ah yes I see, a few of you do. Well if you work at what I call the “sharp end” then along with nice polite people you will encounter several mindless twats who just want to complain about everything. Every little pointless inconsequential thing.

Sky customers who lose access to Sky 2 midway through Dog The Bounty Hunter and as a result miss 30 seconds of an advert for Reggae Reggae Sauce will phone apoplectic with rage and demand a refund of their full months subscription. Moving on we come to owners of smartphones who manage to drop them down the bog and harangue Carphone Warehouse for compensation or try to wriggle out of their contracts because they weren’t told that a combination of water, bleach, shit and piss would have a detrimental effect on their shiny Samsung Galaxy S 3. PC World get the morons who click on any old link whilst on t’internet and then find that their operation system is destroyed scream and shout about the fact no one told them that the blokes from Central Africa offering them $100,000,000 are not for real or that the “art” websites they look at to see naked ladies in a purely aesthetic sense come with lots of free specialist software. I could go on to talk about fat blokes who to go the gym and end up with multiple muscle strains , women who cram their feet into shoes with impossibly high heels and end up with with broken ankles and torn ligaments, but I’m not going to.

This attitude is really not too far removed from the chav low life you see gracing your screens on that sociological window on the world “The Jeremy Kyle Show.” These lowlifes complain that they can’t afford to pay for the upbringing and upkeep of their kids but manage to sport an impressive array of (expensive) tattoos and have a drink and drugs habit. Their yellow fingers and missing teeth oftimes give away their generous habits of fags and fighting.Yet to a chav or chavette they say that they didn’t know that smack or a bottle or 2 of vodka a day was addictive.

What this underclass have in common with so called “normal” people is that they all want something for nothing – unearned wealth if you like. The underclass want the tax payers to fund their decrepit lifestyles whilst the alleged taxpayers want money off everything.

In that sense Martin “Money Saving Expert” Lewis and the TV programme Watchdog have a lot to answer for. I mean, if you are dumb enough to hand over £1000 to let some oik chop down a tree in your garden then you are stupid and have far too much money – so yes you are fair game because you’re terminally stupid.

Getting back to the scroungers who are trying to take every company in the “service industries” I have come up with a policy, a strategy, as to how to severely curtail the number of bogus and fairly ruinous claims out up against them. The amount of time wasted on these morons could and can be cut to a fraction of the resource currently allocated both financially and in terms of manpower.

What I wish to do is to advise all of the owners, managers and executives as to how this type of issue should be dealt with as dealing correctly will surely boost the profitability of their respective businesses. It goes something along the lines of this.

Sir/Madam notifies company in question verbally of the basic nature of the complaint. This would usually be down over the phone when the whinging nature of the customer can be used to maximum effect. Threats to terminate their accounts or contracts would be met by a summary disconnection and the customer’s details would be shared across all businesses under the general heading of “arseholes” and then this customer would find that no one in that line of business will even entertain him/her having, say, another mobile phone.

For those whining bastards who do not threaten to take their trade elsewhere the person at the call centre or counter would go through the motions with lots of “I understands” and “Oh dears” other insincere utterances (these representatives of their companies would require specialist training) and then hit the complainant with the big one. It’s a classic if I say so myself. It’s a cover-all customer charter.

“Sir/Madam in order for *insert company name* to deal with this matter, *insert company name* would require a full account of the nature of your complaint in the form of a handwritten registered letter outlining exactly how you have been inconvenienced and how you wish to apportion responsibility for the inconvenience that you have been faced with. Furthermore, should *insert company name* find that the issue is due to any action that *insert company name* did not take then a refund for the full cost of the postage and a compensation offer will be made, if applicable. If any compensation offer that *insert company name* makes is deemed to be of an unsatisfactory nature by the customer then the grounds for challenging that offer will need to be returned to *insert company name* within 5 working days via a registered letter. Here’s the address, do you have a pen? If not we can post you the address details.” (if face to face a business card could be offered)

Most people with a genuine gripe will ejaculate something like “Well I never!” whilst the dregs of the earth and those trying it one will either conclude that they can’t be arsed with extensive letter writing or being complete and utter chavs that anything that has to be written if it’s not some kind of benefit form will be completely beyond them due to their overall lack of intelligence. Besides it would also be the case that no social worker would have the time or inclination to write it for them.

Net effect – result!

So to you Captains Of Industry, feel free to adopt Doc Denbow’s Charter and be aware that I will write registered letters to ensure that you tight bastards give me some dosh for my trouble.

Ciao For Now Freeloaders,

Denbow

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