Posted by: docdenbow | June 2, 2012

The World Is Getting Bigger Everyday – Archaeology Proves It!

Have you ever heard someone say “it’s a small world?” or “the world is getting smaller and smaller?” I think these jerks are referring to how people all seem to know friends of friends via social intercourse or Facebook or how air travel makes journeys to far flung places quicker year on year. (Ok let’s forget some numpties discontinued Concorde)

They’re bloody well wrong. The world isn’t getting smaller year by year. It’s not even staying the same size. Oh no sirree – this orb upon which we reside is actually getting bigger.

Bigger I say. Bigger I know. Bigger I’m absolutely sure and certain of. If you think it’s getting smaller then you’re wrong. Incorrect, deluded, kidding yourself – ignorant even.

In conclusion very wrong indeed.

Extensive research has led me to this indisputable fact. It is not stuff and nonsense it is incontrovertible. Knowledge that once you consider the pros and cons becomes totally irrefutable. They say knowledge is power – and I have the knowledge and therefore the power (cue Snap) – and being a nice chappie I am prepared to share it with you.

Let’s begin.

You ever watched that Time Team programme? You know the one, on Channel 4 featuring the bloke who played Baldrick in Blackadder, some random Prof from Walsall (he’s a nudist by the way – yuk!) and some Yokel from Somerset who is apparently the leading flintnapper in the country and starts every sentence “Well Tony” and carries a dinky little handbag on his belt which some somehow matches his sweat stained woodsman hat. I wonder what a flintnapper actually is? I don’t care, but I do wonder.

Every sodding week Tony (he of Blackadder fame) can be found standing in some Godforsaken windswept field miles from anywhere telling you that there was a Roman Villa or a Medieval Castle or Mormon Burial Ground in this field (or was that Iron Age?) and they have just 3 days to find it. Now call me a cynic if you want but he’s already told you that the, say, Roman Villa is in the field so what’s the point? And more to the point what’s the rush? It’s been there 2000 years or thereabouts and it’s not as though anyone is going to nick it.

So these archaeologists who are so careful to preserve, record and sometimes restore artifacts from times past set about the field (or fields) with a ginormous JCB. Initially they always find what is known in the archaeology trade as “bugger all.” At which point The Yokel explains to Tony that this is “the natural “(what’s natural about setting about an English meadow with a JCB?) and they need to go deeper. So calling for the JCB once more and lots of thingies to stop the hole (trench) collapsing, deeper they go. Quite soon in TV time The Yokel makes a find! This is a miniscule, titchy witchy piece of pottery which with total certainty some bearded “expert” says is part of a 6 foot high wine cask; yeah right. The Yokel digs deeper and deeper and fines a low denomination Roman coin. He’s now some 40 feet down from where he started. All this for a shard of a pot and the Roman equivalent of 2p.

Much pacing and double underarm bowling follows pointing where stuff is because this site was excavated in 2010 by Cambridge University. The jerks from “geo phys” announce the next field is where they should put in the next trench until a Gasman (you could tell he was a Gasman by his hat) points out that there is a rather a big gasmain running all over said “target area” and the clever ones from Cambridge University worked that one out for themselves by simply nipping off to the town hall planning department and not wasting his bloody time. He advises them to

“Dig if you want, but don’t start for half an hour cos my shift ends then and I’m going down the pub – and I don’t care if you toffee nosed hippy twats blow yourselves up. But not on my watch. And sign here, yes it’s a disclaimer.”

Stage 2

Right. The intelligent ones amongst you may already see where I’m going with this. Archaeological excavations always involve digging. Sometimes sinking a veritable pit shaft in order to find anything. Ancient loose change if you like. Now if if I dropped 50p whilst strolling around part of England’s green and pleasant land, then I don’t expect someone in 2000 years to dig a 40 foot hole so that he can nick it to use in a futuristic vending machine. Let’s rephrase that. I wouldn’t have done, but I do now. I’ll tell you why. The planet is getting bigger. My calculations tell me that it is at least 20 metres every 2000 years, or about 1 metre (in diameter) every 100 years.

Ok my calculations may not be strictly accurate, but something weird is going on. My research has told me this. All this old stuff left lying around can’t just sink can it? I mean my 50p can’t sink 40 feet in 1000 years can it? Roman cash did – or so we’re expected to believe. I reckon the earth is getting bigger and as a result stuff just gets buried. Time Team’s Yokel always refers to “The Natural” but never says what “The Natural” actually is. What “The Natural” actually is will unlock one of the greatest conspiracies of the age – and ages before that. I’ll tell you what “The Natural” actually is shalI I?

It’s the contents of vacuum cleaners down the ages.

They’ve been around for Millennia have vacuum cleaners. Just look at the Kirby. Designed by Thomas Boleyn (Dad of Anne) in 1505 it was a quantum leap forward as it was powered by electricity that hadn’t been invented. It still sucked like a bastard though. Another early example was designed by I Clavdivs a stuttering wreck of a Roman Emperor who improved on the original blueprints in the hope of curing his hayfever. You can trace back even further to the Egyptians when Akhenaten built a cleaner to suck sand away so he could build his city, Armarna, in the desert.

There have been many more whose work on vacuum cleaners have been lost in the mists of time and what we haven’t been told is that in the middle of the night someone empties your vacuum cleaner of all dust and stealthily spreads it hither and thither. As the world becomes increasingly industrialized and vacuum cleaner technology continues with its’ improvements more and more dust will be collected and we as a race will slowly, but with a certain finality, head towards the ever thinning ozone layer from where we will slowly suffocate and enter orbit one by one.

Stage 3

My room has lovely foam on the walls and rubber wallpaper.

Ciao For Now




  1. Mate, whatever you are smoking I want some!! Brilliant as usual.

    • Whatever do you mean? I believe every word that I have written there. Some of it is even true!


  2. Funny, and you make a good point. The people from Norfolk burnt my town of Colchester to the ground in Roman times. Down at the local George pub guests can make their way down to the basement to see some 5m down below the street level the destruction zone.

  3. Awe-inspiring as usual 🙂

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