Posted by: docdenbow | May 28, 2012

Writers Block, Driving Licences, D&B


I have been blogging my blog for about 16 months now and have posted upwards of 80 times. (Just looked it’s actually 130!)  That means round about 50,000 words of mine have been published. Almost all of my postings are a “stream of consciousness” or off the “top of the head” variety. Usually little or no planning is involved and until recently I’ve had very little problem with posting a few times a week – sometimes more. As I say, until recently. Now I feel I’ve “hit the wall.” I used write what I thought were amusing sarcastic little rants about this and that mocking the absurdity of things in general. Most of these ideas came from within my somewhat warped mind, and although I’ve had my “hippy drippy” moments, most were upbeat. True I had a phase of looking back fondly, and sometimes with regret, at my younger days but at least I could write. Words flowed from my mind through my fingers onto the screen.

Now that voice from within that directed my fingers has fallen silent. That Utopian “City In My Head” has been devastated as if by a neutron bomb and no longer (at least at the moment) can I feel inspired to write complete tosh just for the hell of it. I thought of keeping an online diary on this blog, but it would be so boringly mundane its’ banality would outdo the lyrics of Westlife. I end up doing the same thing day in and day out, bed, walk the dog, go to work, bed. Thrilling isn’t it? So what to do? I really don’t know. Get a hobby I hear you say, but working until 10:30 pm 5 nights a week is not conducive to hobbies.

Right now I am 6 weeks away from being free from epileptic seizures for 1 year. From July 12 I will, God willing, be allowed to drive again. That’s something that I’m really hanging onto. A cure all for all of my maladies so to speak. For the past few days, when I’ve been alone (and I can be alone in a crowd) I’ve felt almost tearful that something as unimportant in the grand scheme of things as a driving licence should mean so much to me. Although in an early blog post about my epilepsy I talked of acceptance of the “cross I bear,” I now realize if for any reason my driving licence is not returned to me that I will be crushed. I shouldn’t be, I wouldn’t want it to be. I have no desire to wallow in self pity, now or if the worst should happen. It’s just the way I feel.

I’ve mentioned before my desire to play the guitar (again) but after a few days of real enthusiasm I’ve now drifted back to “what’s the point?” Yeah pretty negative I know, but is it because I’m just making excuses by saying that you need to put time in, and time is the one thing I don’t have too much of going spare? Writing a novel? Who am I kidding? I really wonder if it would be worth the effort. I’m not sure if I have the skills and attributes to write more than a couple of thousand words before I start churning out complete and utter nonsense. Bit like playing the guitar really. Sitting alone learning songs or writing stories that no one will get to hear or will be bothered to read.

I think that’s my biggest problem. I’m not a driven individual. I was when I was younger. Ambitious, but sadly very naive and as a result I became my own worst enemy. I had several chances of success and glory career wise and I managed to blow the lot. All through pig headed stupid naivety. I didn’t look after myself (epilepsy drone, drone) by drinking too much, forgetting my meds and generally turning my back on friend and riding roughshod of peoples’ feelings. I suppose my past has finally caught up with me and the only consolation that I have now is looking forward to driving again so that Mrs Denbow and I can get out and about without being reliant on others. Let’s hope that happy times await.

Almost forgot, on Sunday my daughter took Mrs Denbow shopping and as per usual they returned with a veritable mountain of food. Several journeys were made to the cute red Nissan Micra (aka The Yegmeister) to relieve it of its’ massive load and when that chore was finally complete, and I like a puppy lay panting on the kitchen floor gasped “any prezzies for me?” that question is a bit of a tradition chez Denbow because I sometimes get rewarded with a pie or pasty from Morrisons. However, as I am trying to lose a few pounds Mrs D has decided that our residence must stay pasty free so the odds of a prezzie seemed slim to none. I swooned in shock when my daughter handed me a small bottle similar in size to a Lea and Perrins Worcester Sauce bottle. I was immediately suspicious of this gift but not wishing to appear anything less than eternally grateful I took the bottle from her outstretched hand.

I swooned once more when I looked the label. I’ve never been much of a swooner but 2 swoons in as many minutes must surely be some kind of record. I managed to regain my composure and immediately hugged my daughter. For she had found for me the finest gift that I could have wished for.

This now will surely further fuel my Dandelion and Burdock Obsession.

Ciao For Now

Denbow

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Responses

  1. I recognise what you say about losing the will or belief in your writing etc as I too swing from optimism to pessimism and back often. Life can get in the way of artistic creativity and I think creative people are often also prone to lows and highs. If you enjoy it keep at it. It should never be a chore though. Take a break. I’m on a go slow at the moment myself. We’ve earned a break. Peace.

  2. Doc, why not try short fiction instead of a novel. Try this place… http://www.writingforums.com/forum.php …a friendly (most of the time) home for those learning the craft of writing. Some great people on there if you take the time to know them, who will give you good advice and feedback on your writing. I have no affiliation with the site other than being a member. I use it less now but over the past couple of years the place has been invaluable for me. That novel might come out in the end.
    ps. You learn to avoid the fantasy writers.


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