Posted by: docdenbow | March 19, 2012

20 Regal & A 4-Pack, I Guess I’m Set For The Night

There are some truly bizarre things that happen in the world around us. Oh yes. People spending entire evenings on their poxy computers trawling like greedy fishermen through YouTube looking for videos by a bunch of crap bands and researching such staggeringly tedious pap as UFO files, who did what on 9/11 and of course reading David Icke’s website. Those 3 things really do make for a fantastic evening as you sit swigging from your 4 pack and smoking Regal. There you are with a tremendously clever piece of kit in front of you, a fantastic invention, the knowledge of the world at your fingertips and what you do with it? Read up on the history of art? Find out how the Pyramids of Giza were built ?(without getting sidetracked into alien bullshit) Look at the history of the town or city in which you live? Doubt it.

What you actually do is nip backstage on the Jeremy Kyle Show (via the ITV website)to see what happened when the cameras stopped rolling. You search for scandal and crap (lies are usually better) about celebrities and their “indiscretions.” You try to find out who gets through to the next round of X-Factor or Britain’s Got Talent before the first round has been broadcast. If you are a more “advanced” user, you clock on to some dodgy Bit Torrent site and download the very latest cinema releases. Just a tiny issue here. Let me explain.

This plonker who downloads the latest cinema release movies via Bit Torrent more than likely has a massive TV, at least 42.” With me so far? Good! Now this exclusive, and highly illegal, copy of the latest cinema release was more than likely recorded on a mobile phone. It has then to be compressed a bit, just to screw the quality up just that little bit more and then the idiot with computer and broadband downloads it and burns it onto a DVD.  The quality will be so bad that the idiot will not know if he’s watching Snow White or Debbie Does Dallas (it’s actually The Woman In Black) as the screen is almost totally black. The soundtrack is excellent with the additional “director’s cut” dialogue. “I’m going out for a fag,” “do you want popcorn,” “I’ve got a touch of Ghandi’s revenge, be back soon,” and the gem of gems “this film’s made me horny, I’m off to the bogs for a J. Arthur.”

My friends, all of this is symptomatic of all that ails us in the modern world. No one seems to want to pay for anything anymore. If it can be nicked then someone will nick it. Be it intellectual rights, copyrighted material such as music and film, even inventions. Myself I’ve had stuff nicked off me. Stuff that is very difficult to prove was mine in the first place. I had my legal aid solicitor writing a few letters but got rather smug dismissive replies.

I’ll tell you about them shall I? Well, I wrote a series of books about this kid called Gary Potter who was a magician type. You know, a wizard. Nicked by J.K. Rowling. Another idea that was “borrowed” or “inspired” by my work and research started off as, when I wrote it, “The Artist’s Cipher.” This mush Dan Brown did a number on me, tarted up my book and sold if off as his own. Scandalous I say, but what can I do apart from keep plugging away? Anyway I’ve nearly finished my first play. Very nearly that is.

It’s all about an Italian shopkeeper who lives in Venice. I’m stumped for a title though. I’m not prepared to say anymore about that drama project of mine just in case one of you lot read this and pass my idea on to some clever clogs with loads of cash. Someone like Russell Grant or Stephen Fry. Bet one of those would be in like a ferret up a drain pipe if they could sniff cash from my play. So Mum’s the word, eh?

So there you are we’ve all got crappy lives looking at tat on the internet and nicking anything we can, and just hoping against hope that we get away with it. Me? Well, when I’ve finished my play, I’m going to write what I hope will be seen as a definitive work that people will remember me for.

The title? It’s called the “Phone Book,” it’s a bit heavy going, but if you’re lucky I may mention you by name.

“Some day maybe I’ll call you I’ll see whenever I’m free..
maybe Tuesday, when there’s nothing on TV
20 Regal and a 4-pack I guess I’m set for the night
and anti-social, to keep in shape, thin and white
I light a smoke, and in’tween tokes, consult the TV guide
The bible for the pig who stays inside”!

Ciao For Now Borrowers



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