Posted by: docdenbow | March 12, 2012

I Can’t Help About The Shape I’m In

I get confused very easily. In fact one the things, perhaps the only thing, in which I excel is getting confused. I watch TV programmes without really understanding what’s going on, or what the programme is about. For example, I watched a bit of telly with my wife the other night and wondered why Superintendent Boyd was in India, and why every body called him Dominic King. Turns out I wasn’t watching Waking The Dead after all. I was wondering where Barbara Royle had got to. See I do get easily confused.

Other things apart from the TV confuse me. Everyday household products – they confuse me. Like that shampoo with the dumb name. No not “Vimto,” or is it “Vosene?” I’m talking about about “Wash And Go.” What confuses me about “Wash And Go” is the “Go” bit. Where am I meant to be going? Can I stay in if I use this product? If I use another shampoo, by implication do I have to stand dripping and naked until someone can turn up with some “Wash And Go” so that I can go from the shower?

Don’t get me started on Maxwell House’s coffee. I mean it’s not polite to use someone else’s coffee, especially if he’s gone to the trouble of putting his name on it. (I know the trouble I got into in my old Student house. A fight to the death over a drop of milk.) Same goes for Earl Grey’s tea. I’m scared to touch that either. I mean these posh gits have got friends everywhere, never know what kind of trouble I could get into for simply making a pot of tea.

I was sick the other day. I got confused again. My Kit Kat bars packaging had changed. They put a pretty picture of a cat on the packaging which came in a tin from my local Spar. Well, when I ate it –  it tasted all meaty and fishy at the same time. After suffering stomach cramps and vomiting profusely afterwards I have resolved that I am going to write to Rowntrees about this.

Then the radio on my car stopped working so off I trotted, this time to Tesco never trust Spar again, to get an aerial. I was a bit surprised when I got home and opened the box and it was full of powder. I poured the powder over the car, tried the radio again – nothing. Anyway it started to rain so I went back in the house. When the deluge had stopped I went back to sort out the radio, but some bastard had nicked my aerial. Mind you the car was very clean. Puzzling that.

There is very little that doesn’t confuse me. That in itself confuses me because I’m not thick – well I don’t think I am. Maybe a bit, perhaps I have no “common sense” – I’m not sure about that as I’m confused as to what “common sense” actually is. Sometimes I think that I have all the insight of a vandalized vending machine, then on other days I can work out the murderer in a Miss Marple programme. I even get the odd 5 letter word on Countdown.

I think I take things around me too literally. Literally to literally. I mean could literally die because of the way that I get literally confused literally everyday.

Oh Well, I can’t help about the shape I’m in.

Ciao For Literally Now




  1. ha ha – You Silly Billy Doc – must be your age ;-p

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