Posted by: docdenbow | January 6, 2012

D.S.I. Swansea – Horatio Denbow

Well I promised another blog post today. Here it is, somewhat late in the day – but never mind.

We won the pub quiz, limping over the line to score 40 points. Brilliant! The fact that we didn’t know that Eminem had a greatest hits album called “Curtain Call” we wore as a badge of honour. There were one or two controversial answers, where answer was clearly wrong, but we just had to accept it. To the victors their spoils, eh? Well our plundered spoils of pub quiz war were 6 drinks tokens. There were 4 in our team so you do the maths. No not math maths. It is short(ish) for mathematics so we in the UK insist on a “S.” Mind you a token offering a free pint or a shot of whisky, vodka or brandy is as about as much use to me as a chocolate teapot as I have given up alcohol. I really need need to talk to the landlord about some “real” Dandelion and Burdock. It might go down well with the designated drivers in the CAMRA bores groups that turn up to sample Brain SA and Reverend James.

I haven’t so much as looked at my Novel today, dog related garden issues put paid to that. Daisy, our little schnussel (half Jack Russell/half Miniature Schnauzer – full time little swine!) has taken to going nuts in the garden at night. Our garden backs onto some woodland so anyone of God’s creatures could be out there grinding her gears. So, I donned the appropriate clothing. Commando style army fatigues, AK 47, flame thrower and set off in pursuit of the verminous little bastards that had been invading the privacy of our immaculate garden. (Yeah right!)

Before I could undertake this dangerous mission I became D.S.I. Swansea. Dog Shit Investigator, that is. For such a small dog she seems to be able to pooh one hell of a lot of er, well, pooh. It was interesting though as some bits of the pooh were different to others, so I ran upstairs quickly changed into my black suit and shirt, grabbed my camera and flashgun, tucked my maglite into my pocket and set off in my role as D.S.I. I picked put on my sunglasses, stared moodily into the middle distance, put “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who on repeat on the CD player, and took my sunglasses off again. I looked at Daisy and said, “Every dog has its day,” put my sunglasses back on and began bagging and tagging and flagging the cold pooh dotted around the crime scene. My mobile rang. I flipped it open and said “Horatio Caine.” The voice on the other end said, “Grow up Denbow and get a life you sad twat. Have you emptied the dishwasher like I asked?” This sort of thing doesn’t happen to H, I thought so I promptly disconnected the call.

At this point I made a coffee and drank it from a paper cup. A couple of news crews were encroaching on the Crime Scene, I told Frank Tripp to move them back and instructed Calleigh to send the bags off to DNA and to look for shells. There did seem to be a snail problem here. Speedle swabbed Daisy for her DNA, which was quite novel as he died in Season 3. Delko was looking for trace and generally getting on my nerves by trying too hard to be sexy. I looked at all of the yellow flags dotted around and removed my sunglasses desperately thinking of something enigmatic to say so that I could get on and empty the dishwasher before Internal Affairs (AKA The Wife) started snooping around. Calleigh looked at me waiting, as did Frank Tripp. Delko was smirking thinking I was out of my comfort zone and Speedle (RIP) just stood there looking scruffy.

Then it came to me, “I don’t think we can afford…..” I replaced the Silhouette8568s “to let sleeping dogs lie.”

We went went to the break with overhead shots of jetskiers and kite surfers in Swansea Bay with a lingering shot of the Meridian Tower.

I never got to use the flame thrower or the AK-47. I had to put the Dyson round.

Ciao For Now – We Won’t Get Fooled Again

Horatio Denbow.



  1. Your comment about the pub quiz made me laugh. My husband & his team recently came 2nd & they also were proud as the round that beat them was video game characters rather than history or politics etc

  2. Hope you liked the account of DSI Swansea too!

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